Expressing what we need

In these days of the COVID-19 pandemic, some are more reflective than ever before.  We have some time on our hands that we didn’t have before this (I personally hope we see the value in not being quite as busy – even after life has “re-opened).  What are the fruits of your reflection time?  Are you drawing closer to others?  Are you discovering more about yourself that was previously hidden?  Can you articulate this for your own growth?

I ask these questions because I think they relate to one of the Easter stories that has been retold many times – the story of Thomas and his disbelief, or his doubts, or his apparent lack of faith, or … You fill in the blank.  A famous nickname has arisen from this story and is given to those who are skeptical or slow to come around to what seems obvious and true to others; “doubting Thomas.” 

However, I think there is something more here.  I think that there is something about Thomas that speaks to spiritual growth and a deepening understanding of God and our personal relationship with God.  Thomas knew what he needed in order to grow in faith.  He was very clear that the only way he would believe what the other apostles were telling him was if he could see the wounds of Jesus and physically touch them.  He was not afraid to say what he needed, even as the others try to convince him of what they knew.  He suffered even as he named his needs.  I believe he longed to believe and wanted desperately for the experiences of his companions to be true.  He was just as stunned by the events of Jesus arrest, trial, crucifixion and death as they were.  He missed his teacher and mentor.  He would have loved nothing more than to believe that Jesus had returned against all odds.  But he needed to “know” with his own eyes; with his own physical touch.

When I was a little girl I could work myself into such a state if something had happened at school that was disturbing or upsetting.  When my father would ask me what happened or what was going on, I would start to cry and that would build to the point where I could hardly breathe.  I would try to tell him in the midst of my gasping for air and shedding tears uncontrollably.  It was the most frustrating time for my father.  All he wanted to do was to listen and to help, if he could.  And I could not communicate any part of what happened or what I was feeling or what I needed to be comforted.  I remember my father tried everything.  He would hold me and I would cry harder.  He would send me to my room to “calm down” and that only made me feel as though he didn’t care.  He would let me sit with him until I could talk and then we would begin.  After a few times of this, he eventually learned that was the best.  And that he should be prepared for a second “flow” of tears. 

At those times, looking back, I suspect I was so overwhelmed by the feelings that I could not put what I needed or even what had happened into words.  I was so much in need of comfort and understanding that what had happened to trigger these emotions was almost not important, certainly not as important as my need for my father.  Even when I stopped crying, I found it hard to put the experience and my need into words. 

Sometimes I think this happens to us in our relationship with God.  We can become so overwhelmed by the events in our life, or the needs of those around us that we cannot name what we need as people of faith.  And yet, it is when we are able to express our needs to God that our faith can deepen.  By sharing our personal needs in prayer, our relationship with God strengthens.  We become vulnerable in the expression and in allowing God to give us what we need.  Let’s all be “doubting Thomases”!